Happy New Year darlings.
New start and all that jazz. But not really. People will change if they need it, if they're capable.
Here's to finding the strength to being the people we want to be.
And a bloody good night.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
Pablo Neruda
I dreamt of golden stairs and full length windows, staring across a beautiful city. I dreamt of childhood sweethearts and lost innocence. I dreamt of an evil cupid, caves and infinate stars.

To me you are infinate.
Always always always.
Now and forever.
Beyond death. Beyond life. Beyond faith.
Whether thats the beauty of life, or the beauty of you.
I don't know.
"Why" doesn't matter.
"How" doesn't matter.
Just "is".
Was always, and always will be.

Don't tell. It's a secret.

I'm tired of this guilt. I've gone wrong. Somewhere. I'm not the person I wanted to be. But I refuse to fall deeper and deeper into this darkness.

"The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound"

Some say love shouldn't be held on a pedestal. Mostly it's confusing, disastrous, hurtful. Beautiful, yes, so beautiful. But there are so many other beautiful things to live for, not just love. The stars, infinite and beyond human capacity. The world. Damn, the world is beautiful. Why not go, see, revel in the wonder? Art, not all, but some touches you in that part of your soul that you so desperately keep from all around you. The smallest, most hidden corner is drawn out, exposed. Faith, faith in God, faith in people. Just the hope that there is so much more than the here and now, the magnificence we can see is not pure coincidence. These may be a result of love. But I think it's a result of the passion human beings are born with. Love and these are the same thing. No more, no less.

"He offered her the world, she said she had her own."

I need to run away. Get away from here. Somewhere, anywhere. Miles away from here. I need to clear my head. I need to know there's more out there than my suffocating life. On my own. I need to go.

I wish I could put into poetic words how my life is getting more and more chaotic. I wish I could beautifully say just how I'm falling apart. But I can't. It's crude, it's disastrous. It's not poetic, it's not beautiful. Maybe in years to come it will be. Right now, my head is going to explode and it all hurts so much. I can't do this.

You have no idea.
You have no idea, I feel sick, I feel swamped.

"And when love speaks,
The voice of all the gods,
Make heaven drowsy with the harmony."

"We sat down and planned our future over tequila and lager.
I've planned a thousand futures over a thousand drunken conversations.
But for some reason this one stuck. This one hurt when your promises fell through.
A thousand futures, a thousand drunken kisses.
This one stuck."

I miss durban. I miss boys with beautiful eyes and sweet scented air.

"Its ok. This is ok. I'm ok.
It hurts, yes. Maybe one day I'll find out why I wasn't meant for you. I won't wait for you. I won't hold onto something I've lost. But to close my heart would be foolish. I'm in pain, but I'm ok.
You're too good to hate."

"And he was alone, a wise man without a skin."
The Naked and the Dead.

Alison Krauss.

The most phenomenal voice I've ever heard. I've grown up with this woman. Voice of an angel just doesn't cut it.

Catch up.

I have been so slack with this blog. I have so many pictures to post of summer and everything.
London Baby.
My beautiful boys.

Well. He's not my beautiful boy. He's the creepy speedo's man in regents park.

And more recent London.
The Frieze Art Fair.